Its been a few months since my last blog post on here I been traveling like crazy from Hawaii, LA, LV, DEN with no time to myself alone in silence away from everyone and everything and for that i deeply apologize. So many great things have been happening since my last post celebrated my 25th birthday back home, got a chance to perform in LA, Denver and Hawaii to recently releasing my new latest free project titled:
Trust Me, You’re Not Alone
and I also have some huge things in the making that I’m really excited to share with you all soon if all goes well with everything.
But in the midst of these things taking place I also have been behind closed doors battling things in my personal life i have kept in the dark from my close friends and family till now from mental psychosis (hearing voices in my head), depression, suicide, anger, resentment, lack of sleep as well as battling addictions to alcohol, sex and pornography. For the past few years or so i been secretly fighting with all of this embarrassed to share this with anyone in fear of being judged by my family and peers in the industry but, today while sitting in my room alone in the dark with no one to reach out to about this i felt that i just needed to finally get this off my chest here in hopes to give motivation to those who are going thru the same as i, if not worse to get the proper help they need.
The other night while out to support a friend at her birthday event i was suppose to perform at it came out full surface outside the venue i instantly snapped at 2 of close friends in public over something so small that could have been handled better but, due to everything i stored away for so long in the dark it came out outta no where and while trying to maintain my emotions at the event the mental psychosis side took its course after the anger and placed everyone else i knew and seen at the event as instant enemies with voices in my head telling me they were talking about me and out to get me and i couldn’t take it so i instantly left the event and what makes it more of a surprise is that overall I was only there for an hour then vanished.
These things I battle with have effected my life deeply to the point that its effecting the relationships that i formed with people from family to friends to industry peers to even making any new friends. it has kept me up various of nights on the edge of insanity as well as me completely spacing out in various moments not living in real time reality with everything around me instantly caught up in my troubled thoughts and voices in my head that aren’t even real. Each day I am drowning in a sea of mixed emotions in search of inner peace in a constant spiral of endless suffering I am truly embarrassed revealing all of this because I know so many people look up to me and i feel i have let you all down.
It has been so hard for me to trust anyone or anything and i am tired of living this way, tired of being sad within, tired of doubting myself, constantly crying in anger wanting to hurt myself or end my life. So I will take the time to fix myself within and break these addictions that hold me back from experiencing happiness in my true form of self I really hope the Most High will have me cross paths with the proper people who are willing to guide/ help me along my journey because as of late i have no one to turn to for any help about these issues what so ever, it almost feels like nobody even has the time or day to deal any of things so many people like myself go thru everyday because their too busy trying to make it in a rat race society so its brushed off to the side without any regard.
but somehow, some way i will find a way to make it out the darkness of pain and suffering and into the light of peace and love.